I know I haven’t written anything in a while…I guess I’ve been stuck trying to figure out what to write about. I thought about writing about the diet and exercise plan I should be following but have been pretty hit and miss on…I thought about writing about the fact that my relationship is on the rocks, but then didn’t want to fill the world with dumb shit that everybody goes through without having a great answer to the worlds relationship problems…(I’m still working on that…)Then, I thought about writing about the elections and decided that was just pointless.

I thought, maybe I just need more money so I can do something toward getting my art studio/gallery moving in the direction of something actually resembling an art studio/gallery…I started looking for art jobs in the ether and stumbled on an ad for art space…it peeked my interest. How can I come up with the money to make it happen? I looked and looked through hundreds of job boards and classifieds for the perfect job that would give me the money I need, the time I need and leave me with the energy I need to make the side job of art studio/gallery a reality. (The main job now is teaching…)

I left the art job boards and started exploring the world of the past…jobs in business and sales and corporate ‘murica…ugh! Just the thought of any of those jobs left me chilled and insecure.  Knowing on one hand that I didn’t like the boxed in feeling of any of those jobs and even worse…my fear of being “good enough” to get them…go figure…

Then, I stumbled back to my email to see if anyone sent me anything that might spark me to move forward again…behold…the object of my quest …http://vimeo.com/15230748 I watched the video about following your dreams and had to re-wind it a couple times because I got so caught in my own thoughts at various points that I missed the next frame.

I had an epiphany! I know why I’ve been stuck!! I always wondered why I was never satisfied with any goals I reached…I’d get there and just wanted more…When I wanted a house, I worked, I sweated…I went into debt and I got the house and then got depressed because I didn’t know what to do with myself. “What do I do now?” was a constant ache in my psyche…Until I decided I needed to go back to school to “become” something…I did that. I went to school long enough to get an internship that led to a job and became a television operations engineer because I was afraid to do what I really wanted…then I was depressed because…”now what?” I didn’t finish school…I dropped out to do the job.

I needed to become something else…I should have known that my true calling was trying to get my attention…I hurt my right shoulder…I had to have surgery and they told me I might not be able to use my right hand anymore…I freaked out…started using my left hand to draw…I was afraid to have the surgery until I could draw left handed. I wanted to know if anything happened to my right hand, I could still do it with my left…I still didn’t embrace “art” as a viable thing to reach for…go figure…

I had the surgery…didn’t loose any ability in my right hand, but now I was ambidextrous. I did my healing time in another position that led me to move up and over and became a logistics guru.. and then my body said “I hate you.” I had Adenomyosis… http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/basics/definition/con-20024740

Not the most fun thing in the world to live with…I did for a couple years and then the docs told me I needed to be gutted…they took it all including my ovaries…slammed into menopause and needing time to heal, I took classes that would not require big heavy books and would let me relax a little…I really wanted to take something that was “marketable” and would increase my value with the company…I was always doing crafty things whenever possible for my job, but didn’t have any clue what I was doing…I took computer imaging classes because all I needed to carry was a CD and my passwords.

One thing led to another and suddenly I had a BFA in Computer Imaging and had such a strong feeling of “now what?” that I went on to get a MA in Digital Media…I took every studio art class I could because it was all relative to the degree…what a great way to do what I wanted without admitting that I was doing it…

After the Master’s degree I again had a feeling of “now what?” I started my own web design business and built a clientele and made some money and then one day…a client decided they wanted a cheaper more “boxed” version of what I was offering…CMS… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Content_management_system took over the world I lived in…”free” “low-cost” websites were available everywhere! You no longer needed to know HTML, CSS or JAVA to put together a great website…all you needed was Weebly, or WordPress or any other CMS available for the cost of your domain and a host.

“NOW WHAT?” I keep talking about being an artist…I keep thinking about being an artist…I make stuff…I sell stuff sometimes but not often…I teach stuff…but what I really want is to have my own studio/gallery…oh yeah…back to that epiphany from a few paragraphs ago…I’m not going to be able to get “unstuck” until I reach this goal…as long as I find a way to reach this goal I have a focus and I will find my way whether through opportunity or opposition. Once I get to the goal…I’m sure I will have another “now what?” But, until then…FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!

The recent news of the death of Robin Williams has hit home in such a profound way…thoughts of mom and her deep despair…the thoughts of another day looking at life from the half full cup and knowing there are people out there that can’t find the glass…Depression sucks for those in the midst and those on the fringe looking in…

What does it feel like from the heart of the eternally wounded? Slipping into despair from a world that from the outside seems so blessed and rewarded…can it really be so hopeless? Trying to wrap my head around what this pain would be like…does it hurt sharply? Is it a dull ache that never seems to go away? I don’t understand.

I feel pain, I feel overwhelmed with emotion when I hear news of war and see images of death and pestilence…the unending pressure on my heart feels as if it will explode with sadness…but I smile anyways…am I the crazy one? I know I can’t change the world or even my own mom…but I can smile and I can pick up my own feet and go thru the motions…it doesn’t make the pain go away in an instant…or a day…and depending on the impetus the motions may have to suffice for more than a month or two…but the motions move me forward…

Forward is the only way to keep moving. Look forward to the opportunities yet to come the moments to be had and the possibilities of what might be if you only keep moving forward. Auto pilot is fine if the plane stays in the air…it will eventually reach land and the sights and smells of the runway! Hang on! It might be a bumpy landing but the ground will feel strong when you get there…HANG ON!!!! Don’t let the sadness of one day or one moment rule the location of your glass! Find the glass…fill it up and HANG ON!!!! If that seems overwhelming…just smile anyways…you will feel the smile eventually…Give yourself the opportunity to feel it…SMILE ANYWAYS! If for no other reason than to find the eye of another who needs a smile…

When I first started posting my thoughts and feelings about everything from being an artist to the dilemmas of being a elder care giver to my struggles with weight loss, I thought it was all just to keep me from having to pay a therapist to help me stay sane.  I have recently found out via texts, phone calls and private messages that my plight serves a much greater purpose.

Apparently, I’m not the only one going through some of the struggles of being a human. It’s really not about any one of the “labels” we give ourselves…”artist”, “mom”, “daughter”, “son”, “banker”, “homemaker” or any other titles you can think of…it’s about the human condition of feeling emotion. Feeling pain, anger, joy and the ability to speak honestly about those feelings.

Granted…I am speaking honestly from the safety of my laptop, but I am speaking out and sharing my thoughts and feelings with a much broader audience than I originally thought. It’s not about getting a response as much as it is about getting the energy of the emotion out of my mind and heart so that the new energy of a new moment can enter my bubble without causing pressure. It doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative energy…you MUST make room for the new energy or you will self destruct.

I am not a trained therapist, Dr., or even a good bar tender…I’m just a person who has always tried to find the silver lining or “blue jeans.” (search for my post about Denim Sky for more info or click on this link to be redirected there https://bohemiantiger.com/2014/01/15/denim-sky/) I refuse to stay caught in a vortex of self-pity…not that I don’t go there sometimes and wallow in my misery for at least a little while…but I will NOT stay there and make it my home! It is a place we will all visit at some point in our lives. It’s part of that “human” thing I’ve been talking about. But it is a place you can leave…you can CHOOSE to stay if you like, but from what I have seen in family, friends and random people I meet, it is NOT a good choice.

My advice…remember…I am not a trained professional…well, at least not in psychology or anything medical…just art…so I can’t prescribe anything but creativity…my advice…FEEL IT…LET IT GO…find an outlet…be creative…find a voice (this can be artistic, literary, speech, music, talking, walking, physical or whatever you can do that helps you and doesn’t hurt others…) most importantly…find a way to see the denim sky…

What do you do when your mom goes crazy? I’m not talking about having a moment of lapse in judgment or temporary insanity caused by a moment of traumatic stimuli. I’m talking certifiable, unjustifiable, deterioration of all that is logical.

She’s been acting out, throwing fits, temper tantrums and causing general chaos for everyone caught in the reach of her madness. They say she’s not suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s…they don’t know what to call it so far. I call it MOM!

The latest and greatest events sent her to the ER for evaluation. She claimed she tried to strangle herself with her oxygen tubing. The emergency department said there were no signs that she had actually done that. They put her on a 72 hour mental health hold and placed security guards over her to watch her. With a full crew of onlookers, she claimed again that she tried it do the same thing under watchful eyes…nobody saw anything and again there were no signs.

When she didn’t get whatever response she was hoping for, she started acting more normal…It seemed as though the madness had ended for a moment when suddenly she screamed! Blood curdling, spine wrenching, ear piercing scream then, she stopped talking and responding to staff and me except the occasional peep out of the corner of her eye to see if I was still there. She continued to not respond for the rest of the day and into the night.

The next morning, she acted as if nothing had happened and was more concerned about her breakfast tray than anything else. As I stood by her side watching the med staff do their thing, checking her heart, hooking up new machines, changing her soiled sheets…I saw the reflection in her eyes of a lost soul looking for a home. Emptiness, loss, deep, dark shadows of a life not lived to it’s fullest potential…how sad for her that she never grew up and lived her life…always looking for someone to rescue her from herself…never finding her knight in shining armor…only finding the bottom of an ice cream carton or the inside of a rubber room when the ice cream didn’t fix the moment.

She was fine for a while after being tucked back into the hospital bed. The Physician’s Assistant came in to see how she was feeling and asked her about her thoughts…she said…”I’m fine…just thinking of a way to kill myself.” The PA took her notes and left the room. I asked my mom if she really wanted to kill herself.  She said, ” A gun would work the best, but I don’t have access to one” and proceeded to tell me how much she wanted to die.

I asked her why. Her response was a temper tantrum of epic proportions. She blamed her brother ( a year and a half younger than her) for taking her mom’s love away from her…she blamed her mother for taking her away from her grandfather (they moved to another state due to my grandfather’s military position) she blamed me for being born and ruining her life and chance to be an artist. She blamed my kids for taking me away from her. She blamed my grandkids for taking me away from her. Again she blamed me for being born because I took the love of her parents away from her. ( she left me with my grandparents when she moved to California.)She blamed me for her getting old, her bad back because her labor was too long when I was born. She said she wanted to die and it was all my fault…

I looked at her with numb serenity and said…”I think the only person you were ever really trying to hurt with your ‘suicide attempts’ or threats was me…everyone of them has been aimed at me and I am NOT going to be your target anymore! I love you and always will, but I will NOT be your emotional punching bag ANYMORE!” She looked at me with wide eyes and bewilderment. ( Other than running away from home when I was 16, this was the first time I have stood up to my mom…)Then, she pushed her arms down against her sides, turned her head away from me and said in a little kid way of throwing a temper tantrum…”I don’t like you anymore!” I said “that’s fine…I still love you. I’m going to leave now, I hope you feel better.”

I went home…the numbness wore off and insecurity set in.  I wondered if I would ever wind up going crazy like my mom. Wondering if I was already crazy and just not able to see it. Did I do the right thing? It felt so good to walk away…to take my remaining strength and use it to save myself…but…was it ok? was I wrong for being selfish? Was I being selfish or just self preserving? Many tears and hours of sadness later, I decided there is no way I can save her…all I can do is try to save myself. With that empowering thought… I drifted off to sleep…

The alarm went off…I jumped out of bed…thought to myself…” it’s good to wake up sane…”