Do you know that awesome feeling when you get up in the morning and you can hear the birds singing and the breeze through the open window brushes your face with the smell of sunshine? You know what I’m talking about…well slept, pleasant dreams, you know your day is going to be fabulous! As you inhale the fragrance of lilacs and linens you catch a slight whiff of coffee brewing in the kitchen…then suddenly you smell bacon and then the birds chirp louder as you stretch yourself out and grip the day with passion and set out on another journey through your soul…

I had that day today…I didn’t really smell coffee and all that stuff, but it was a really good day…It actually started a bit rough…lemme tell ya’ll about it…

I woke up at my usually insane time at 4:30am to stumble my way to the coffee pot and brew a special pot of my (what some people would call mud…) coffee…as the auto-drip gurgled and spouted, I thought over and over of the night before…(mom needs to move from her apartment to assisted living and I’m single-handedly sorting through her stuff to figure out what goes and what goes away)I get stuck in my head as the coffee somehow pours itself into my cup… “Is this the right thing to do? Maybe I should stop being so selfish and give up my needs so that my mom can move in with me and I can continue to care for her at the cost of my own sanity and health so that she can live out the rest of her life in bliss and tranquility…” blah, blah, blah…

Feeling rather down, I decided to spew my feelings to the cyber realm and post “I’m feeling very sad today…am I doing the right thing? I am so overwhelmed…God give me strength to keep moving forward and the sanity, intuition and compassion to make choices that serve the greater good…” I got many comments all saying prayers and telling me it would be ok…but I still felt like doo-doo!

I decided I needed to talk to my mom about it all ONE MORE time…I went to her thinking she would convince me that I needed to take her in and keep all of her stuff and grin through it all because I love her…she didn’t…

Instead, she said with a slight lilt in her voice…

“I’m not ok with this move…but I have come to terms with it. I know you can’t care for me the way I need it and I would rather have your beautiful face visit me than wipe my ass!”

I asked her about her stuff and if she was really ok giving up all her stuff especially the old books with Grampa Neugebauer’s name in them and the things that belonged to her mother and her father…she said…

“Those things remind me of them…when I pick up or look at those things I remember the people they represent…but I’m ok letting the things go now…the people have been gone a very long time now…those things will not bring them back…it doesn’t matter if its a book or a piece of furniture…IT’S NOT THEM! I want to remember THEM…so just keep my pictures of  THEM…”

We talked a while longer and she is looking forward to going for little drives and VISITING with me at the assisted living place. She said she wants to hang out with me and not be another thing I have to do…I love you mom…

Update on Mom…

she is still in the hospital. They decided NOT to do the heart cath. Changed her meds to bring her heart rate down… still making adjustments. Fluid in lungs under control. The biggest thing in the way of her recovery is she just doesn’t care anymore…

Seeing the great grandkids brought a bit of joy to her life, but mom just won’t let herself be happy for too long. What happened to her when she was “alive” before I was born? I see in her eyes a lack of life, a lack of desire to be anything more than what she is  and has been.  I remember being a kid and seeing that same look in her eyes when she was angry at the world for not being there for her and she would lash out and blame me and the world for her misery…

I cried to my Grampa once about it…he said “kwitcherbellyachin’ and get a thicker skin… you’re never goin’ to be able to save her!” I wouldn’t believe that then, and I’m struggling to believe it now…why on earth would I try so hard to convince and old woman that she still has so much to give this world? Why did I try so hard to convince her when she wasn’t so old?

I want to walk away and find my peace and paint a picture and make a stick walk with chisel and blade…I want to forgive her for not seeing the brighter side…I want to forgive me for feeling obligated to “fix” her…I’m so tired of crying and trying to change that which cannot be changed! Its and addiction! I feel like I’m getting my own “fix” every time I sit next to her and hold her hand and try to make her feel better…I’m like a junky saying “I should quit doing this because its killing me” as I shoot up another spoonful of agony…

In the back of my mind…”kwitcherbellyachin and get a thincker skin!”