How do you measure progress?
Is it how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Maybe it’s how far you can jump or run? Do you measure against something or someone else?
I’ve always tried really hard to only measure myself against my previous self. I’m finding that a bit hard these days. It’s great in theory to say “I’m better today than I was yesterday” but when you see the world around you moving at such a fast pace and catch your reflection in a passing mirror and and not like what you see or second guess the the clothing choice you made that morning, it’s time to stop! Get off the pitty-pot and rediscover your sense of self.
Yeah…I know…who the hell am I to be telling anyone how to be? I’m not really telling you how to be…I’m just reaffirming for myself in a public forum how I want to be. Or, to some degree, how I don’t want to be…
I think I’ve been kinda whiny lately. Griping about things out of my control or complaining about things I normally wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure why or what was going on until I read one of my own Facebook posts.
It suddenly dawned on me…I’ve been hanging around my ex more than usual. We’ve been friends since the breakup, but I’ve been pretty good about keeping my distance and so has he, but then, he bought a piece of property very close to my (TMBR) and I joked that he would never spend any time there because he is NOT an outdoorsy person. He’s a loud video game/Netflix kinda guy…he likes crisp ironed shirts and shiny things…not dirt and silence.
But recently he decided to check out his property by coming to mine. I guess I was intrigued by his sudden interest in being in the sun and we went for a drive to see the sites around his new chunk of dirt with an old cabin (maybe early 1900’s old). I knew it wasn’t all it appeared when we were done driving around and he spent most of the time “out there” in his car smoking and listening to the radio.
But for a moment, I thought that maybe it would be nice to have someone around that could help me with the cabin at TMBR…maybe even someone to spend time with there…It was a short lesson in reality! We were together for 14+ years when I decided to end the relationship. I had many reasons, one of which was I never got much help…why did I think it would be different now?
He came out again the next week and said he would help me work on the bathroom. He sat in his car…he sat on a chair in the cabin and played with his phone while I worked. He did hand me a tool a couple of times but acted as if I was interrupting him when I asked from atop the ladder. When I took a break, he told me all about the help he needed on his new property down the road. He said he needed me to show him where it was because he didn’t remember the turn…
I showed him the way and he asked me if I could help him get the door open. It was latched with an old flip latch and needed to be removed with a screwdriver. He said he was going to look in his car for a tool. I brought my tools and by the time I had his door open and the latch swapped out for a new one and the bushes cut away from the door so you could even get to it, he had his lawn lounger unpacked from his car and was ready to sit down again. He never did find that screwdriver he was looking for… It got really clear what his true intentions were.
I know on a few occasions, before it became clear why he was there, I felt like I was questioning my sanity for allowing myself to be vulnerable. Especially after all we went through. We’ve hung out a few times over the last 3 years since we separated and each time I had that undeniable feeling that I was right for breaking up with him. I’m almost hyper aware of how under-valued I was in the relationship and even with the obvious attempts that he has made to “be nice to me” it is very clear that the only importance I have in his eyes is that I can do stuff he can’t or won’t and I have been willing in the past to put him before me to my own detriment and debt. I am no more important now than I was when we were together.
Why is he still trying to be close to me if he doesn’t really value or care? Because he wants something! I’ve found that in most abusive or negative relationships, it’s not about love, admiration and respect…it’s about “what can I take from you” and “how far will you let me take it?” It really is more about power and control than love or intimacy.
So this all takes me back to the whole whiny, complaining wah, wah stuff I mentioned earlier. I was feeling sorry for myself for not being valued by someone that I knew didn’t value me. Go figure! This isn’t just my problem…I see it all the time in both women and men…people seeking approval from outside of themselves wondering why they are miserable. I can’t speak for the world…only myself…
If you are not respected in a relationship…Walk away…find yourself…start again…
This takes me back to the original question…How do you measure progress? Is it never falling down? Or, is it being able to get back up no matter how many times you fall?
I’m not sure I know how to fix me. All I know is I’m going to keep trying! If I fall…I’m going to get back up! If I catch myself being stupid…I’m going to stop! Get off the pitty-pot and rediscover my sense of self. Progress doesn’t have to be measured…it just has to happen! Love and Hugs!
