Letting go…

hhmmm… letting go…   …

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
―     Steve Maraboli,     Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

I’ve been working on this “letting go” thing for a while now…letting go of stuff…Gawd! I have soooo much stuff! Letting go of pain…letting go of anger…letting go of the NEED to hold on to useless things whether emotions or things saved for a rainy day or the day “I’m gonna do something with that…” It really is an undertaking of epic proportions!

I still have a long way to go with letting go of stuff, but I feel that as I start to let go of some of the emotional baggage, It’ll be easier to let go of the stuff attached to the emotion.

As those who follow me here know, I have recently stumbled on some very interesting reading at my mom’s place. Old letters, journals and the like…learning things…hoping to find in the next hand scribbled text, a glimmer of hope…hope that I would find words of wisdom, words of sanity that would heal me… but they simply opened old wounds and poured salt and alcohol right into the oozing flesh!

Maybe that’s what I needed? Maybe the cleansing qualities of the salt and alcohol are just what I needed to let go! I’m looking for the silver lining here…if I can’t let go, I MUST find the silver lining! I feel like I drank to much tequila and salt and need to purge…spew out the toxins and free myself from these emotional bed spins…

Then – memories of empty pill bottles and 911 calls…the sound of her voice as I contemplated how to help her…the everlasting urge to RUN AWAY!!! I did that…it didn’t work…running away only caused different pain and it was self inflicted by my own actions…I was no better than her…I didn’t threaten my own life with a bottle of pills…I just hitch-hiked across the US with my thumb out front and my tail waggin’ like a dog! It was probably safer takin’ the pills!

Now – I can’t keep blaming her for my choices in life…so what? It was hard sometimes growing up as I did…I’ve talked to a few other artists this week that had it as hard or harder growing up…some had it made as a child and then had other life challenges to overcome as adults…life goes on and so they persist in their journey of creativity. They don’t stop because life was hard. They don’t bitch because life didn’t give them a silver paintbrush. They just continue to move forward in the life they live…They don’t hold on to the past and its things and emotions…they live right now…they create right now…I’m going to go create right now…