I know I haven’t written anything in a while…I guess I’ve been stuck trying to figure out what to write about. I thought about writing about the diet and exercise plan I should be following but have been pretty hit and miss on…I thought about writing about the fact that my relationship is on the rocks, but then didn’t want to fill the world with dumb shit that everybody goes through without having a great answer to the worlds relationship problems…(I’m still working on that…)Then, I thought about writing about the elections and decided that was just pointless.

I thought, maybe I just need more money so I can do something toward getting my art studio/gallery moving in the direction of something actually resembling an art studio/gallery…I started looking for art jobs in the ether and stumbled on an ad for art space…it peeked my interest. How can I come up with the money to make it happen? I looked and looked through hundreds of job boards and classifieds for the perfect job that would give me the money I need, the time I need and leave me with the energy I need to make the side job of art studio/gallery a reality. (The main job now is teaching…)

I left the art job boards and started exploring the world of the past…jobs in business and sales and corporate ‘murica…ugh! Just the thought of any of those jobs left me chilled and insecure.  Knowing on one hand that I didn’t like the boxed in feeling of any of those jobs and even worse…my fear of being “good enough” to get them…go figure…

Then, I stumbled back to my email to see if anyone sent me anything that might spark me to move forward again…behold…the object of my quest …http://vimeo.com/15230748 I watched the video about following your dreams and had to re-wind it a couple times because I got so caught in my own thoughts at various points that I missed the next frame.

I had an epiphany! I know why I’ve been stuck!! I always wondered why I was never satisfied with any goals I reached…I’d get there and just wanted more…When I wanted a house, I worked, I sweated…I went into debt and I got the house and then got depressed because I didn’t know what to do with myself. “What do I do now?” was a constant ache in my psyche…Until I decided I needed to go back to school to “become” something…I did that. I went to school long enough to get an internship that led to a job and became a television operations engineer because I was afraid to do what I really wanted…then I was depressed because…”now what?” I didn’t finish school…I dropped out to do the job.

I needed to become something else…I should have known that my true calling was trying to get my attention…I hurt my right shoulder…I had to have surgery and they told me I might not be able to use my right hand anymore…I freaked out…started using my left hand to draw…I was afraid to have the surgery until I could draw left handed. I wanted to know if anything happened to my right hand, I could still do it with my left…I still didn’t embrace “art” as a viable thing to reach for…go figure…

I had the surgery…didn’t loose any ability in my right hand, but now I was ambidextrous. I did my healing time in another position that led me to move up and over and became a logistics guru.. and then my body said “I hate you.” I had Adenomyosis… http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/basics/definition/con-20024740

Not the most fun thing in the world to live with…I did for a couple years and then the docs told me I needed to be gutted…they took it all including my ovaries…slammed into menopause and needing time to heal, I took classes that would not require big heavy books and would let me relax a little…I really wanted to take something that was “marketable” and would increase my value with the company…I was always doing crafty things whenever possible for my job, but didn’t have any clue what I was doing…I took computer imaging classes because all I needed to carry was a CD and my passwords.

One thing led to another and suddenly I had a BFA in Computer Imaging and had such a strong feeling of “now what?” that I went on to get a MA in Digital Media…I took every studio art class I could because it was all relative to the degree…what a great way to do what I wanted without admitting that I was doing it…

After the Master’s degree I again had a feeling of “now what?” I started my own web design business and built a clientele and made some money and then one day…a client decided they wanted a cheaper more “boxed” version of what I was offering…CMS… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Content_management_system took over the world I lived in…”free” “low-cost” websites were available everywhere! You no longer needed to know HTML, CSS or JAVA to put together a great website…all you needed was Weebly, or WordPress or any other CMS available for the cost of your domain and a host.

“NOW WHAT?” I keep talking about being an artist…I keep thinking about being an artist…I make stuff…I sell stuff sometimes but not often…I teach stuff…but what I really want is to have my own studio/gallery…oh yeah…back to that epiphany from a few paragraphs ago…I’m not going to be able to get “unstuck” until I reach this goal…as long as I find a way to reach this goal I have a focus and I will find my way whether through opportunity or opposition. Once I get to the goal…I’m sure I will have another “now what?” But, until then…FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!