Update on Mom…

she is still in the hospital. They decided NOT to do the heart cath. Changed her meds to bring her heart rate down… still making adjustments. Fluid in lungs under control. The biggest thing in the way of her recovery is she just doesn’t care anymore…

Seeing the great grandkids brought a bit of joy to her life, but mom just won’t let herself be happy for too long. What happened to her when she was “alive” before I was born? I see in her eyes a lack of life, a lack of desire to be anything more than what she is  and has been.  I remember being a kid and seeing that same look in her eyes when she was angry at the world for not being there for her and she would lash out and blame me and the world for her misery…

I cried to my Grampa once about it…he said “kwitcherbellyachin’ and get a thicker skin… you’re never goin’ to be able to save her!” I wouldn’t believe that then, and I’m struggling to believe it now…why on earth would I try so hard to convince and old woman that she still has so much to give this world? Why did I try so hard to convince her when she wasn’t so old?

I want to walk away and find my peace and paint a picture and make a stick walk with chisel and blade…I want to forgive her for not seeing the brighter side…I want to forgive me for feeling obligated to “fix” her…I’m so tired of crying and trying to change that which cannot be changed! Its and addiction! I feel like I’m getting my own “fix” every time I sit next to her and hold her hand and try to make her feel better…I’m like a junky saying “I should quit doing this because its killing me” as I shoot up another spoonful of agony…

In the back of my mind…”kwitcherbellyachin and get a thincker skin!”